Die Harpezein und Der Deutscher
by apatheticauthor
Summary: Pepper Ann's buddy Dieter obliviously captures the heart of another girl - a ferocious man hating bully. Pepper Ann forejudges trouble. PG-13 for violence and mild 4 letter word language. R&R would be appreciated.


Loyal to the Pepper Ann set-up; this second fic offers the same script layout,  
hilarity and a semi-corny plot. Go for it.  
  
* This is mere fictitious fun and not a real P.A transcript from Disney, it is  
a simple creation by an un-original fan (i.e me) of the show.   
All P.A characters are owned by Disney *blah blah blah, trademark, copyright,  
purple monkey* and were only used for this story for amusement, and  
have not been demeaned in any freakishly, inhumane way.   
  
  
Die Harpezein und Der Deutscher  
  
  
  
(Scene: Mr. Carter's Science class. He is explaining some scientific education to his class)  
  
Mr. Carter : In contrast, gametes with genotypes Ab and aB are recombinant gametes.  
They carry new combinations of alleles that result from the exchange of chromosome  
segments during...  
  
(As he continues his lesson we pan to Pepper Ann and Dieter playing Hang Man on their  
table, which is already covered with past Hang Man matches they have played)  
  
Pepper Ann : Okay, G.  
  
(Dieter adds a G to a blank in the word: R E C O G N I _ E  
  
Mr. Carter : T.H Morgan used the fruit fly in many of their experiments, as it was  
an ideal specimen for studies of inheritance...  
  
Pepper Ann : A?  
  
(Dieter writes A in the "reject section" and adds a shoe to a very articulate looking   
Hang Man with suit, pants and hair. It is obvious that P.A is really bad at this game.)  
  
Pepper Ann : Geez Dieter, I thought we talked about how you can't use any of  
your hard, unintelligible German words.   
  
(Dieter narrows his eyes and taps the word with his pen)  
  
Dieter : You know this word Pepper Ann.  
  
Pepper Ann : Recognipe? Recognite? Recognife?  
  
(As she guesses, Dieter adds another shoe and two shoelaces on the other)  
  
Mr. Carter (snickering) : T.H Morgan was a real swinger, he often had  
parties in his fly room when they made new discoveries. (He then shows  
a b&w picture of ten drunk men surrounding a table covered in liquor bottles,  
plates and papers on an overhead projector) See?  
  
(Puzzled silence fills the room.)  
  
Pepper Ann : Recognike? Recognine? Recognide? Recognile?  
  
(Dieter cannot stand Pepper Ann's blundering, he clenches his hand so tight  
that his pen snaps in half)  
  
Dieter (yelling madly) : It's recognize! Recognize! (He grabs P.A's pen  
and scribbles the z in the blank) Recognize! Recognize! (He underlines  
the word in multiple slashes) Is your vocabulary that bad that you  
cannot even understand a simple word from your own language?  
RECOGNIZE!  
  
(Everyone stares at Dieter and P.A's table, Mr. Carter approaches them.)  
  
Mr. Carter : Lederhosen! What's your...  
  
(He gasps as he sees the huge mess of multiple Hang Man games on the desk,  
P.A and Dieter both have simple, yet guilty, looks on their faces)  
  
Mr. Carter : Pearson! Lederhosen! Cancel any after school plans! Both  
of you are going to wash all the desks in the science room for the rest  
of the week! You got that? If you want to do some vandalising do it on  
paper or in a bathroom.  
  
(The bell rings, students leave their seats for their next class.)  
  
(New Scene: P.A meets up with Nicky, who is just getting some books  
from her locker.)  
  
Pepper Ann : Hi Nicky!   
  
Nicky : Hey Pepper Ann!   
  
(They start walking together)  
  
Pepper Ann : Say Nicky, would you be interested in helping me pick  
an easy project for science? I'm feeling pretty lazy.  
  
Nicky : Oh what else is new?  
  
Pepper Ann : What?  
  
Nicky : I said try colours and hues. You can do a simple colour wheel,  
discerning complimentary colours and how new colours can be produced  
with the three main colours of red, yellow and blue.  
  
(They go outside onto the school field)  
  
Pepper Ann : Sounds pretty good, I can use Moose's water colours and  
Paint-By-Numbers kit to remind me of where orange comes from.  
  
(Nicky shakes her head in disbelief.)  
  
Some kid (happily) : Hey everyone! Shelf McLain's gonna beat up a new kid!  
  
(P.A and Nicky glance to see a small crowd of people watching  
Shelf McLain approach a girl with short, copper hair   
wearing a knee-low navy skirt and a white blouse.)  
  
Pepper Ann: Huh? What's going on?  
  
Shelf: Ya challenge me to a fight, but ye brought no men with you.  
(he laughs) Have it your way then lass!  
  
(He darts at her, ready to shoulder her. The girl then executes a  
heavy punch to Shelf's face, following up with a roundhouse kick  
to his chest, Shelf collapses but he strives to his feet. The crowd  
oooh's.)  
  
Pepper Ann (smiling) : Ha! Did you see that girl sock that big bully?  
That'll show Shelf McLain not to be such a jerk!   
  
(The girl then enforces multiple punches and kicks, finishing off with   
a final punch to Shelf's gut. Shelf collapses to the ground, he is bleeding  
from his mouth and nose heavily. The crowd is silent. P.A's face shows   
severe pity as she sees Shelf struggling in such pain.)  
  
Nicky (covering her mouth) : Oh my god.  
  
Some guy in the crowd : There's a story of a girl who hires out her  
brutal fighting skills to the highest bidder.  
  
Another crowd dude : They say she punched her fist right through  
a guy's chest in a football brawl once.  
  
Noah (fearful) : This could be her, Hildegard Manon!  
  
(The girl strides toward Shelf who is still on the ground,  
a number of guys from the crowd run away. She snatches  
a baseball bat a boy from the crowd is holding. He runs off  
in yelping terror.)  
  
Girl : It's Hilda thank you. (To Shelf) Now let's see…  
  
(She plants one of her feet onto Shelf's back, pinning  
him to the ground)  
  
Shelf (wincing) : Hey…  
  
(She points the bat at Shelf's head)  
  
Hilda : Which limb do you want me to break first you spineless punk?  
  
(Two nerdy looking guys in the crowd take a small step forward  
to Hilda.)  
  
Nerd 1 (timidly) : Hey come on, we didn't want you to hurt him   
that much.  
  
Nerd 2 : I'm sure he won't bother us again. You have earned your  
money.  
  
Hilda : That's fine, I'll just break him for free.  
  
(The crowd gasps with alarm as Hilda raises the bat, Shelf struggles  
in vain to get up.)  
  
Pepper Ann (in frightful thought) : Why isn't anyone doing anything?  
  
(In what seems to be slow motion, Pepper Ann runs toward Hilda  
and grasps the bat and holds on to it with all her strength. Hilda is   
momentarily stunned as she is unable to move the bat at all. She turns  
her head to see P.A restraining it.)  
  
Pepper Ann (seriously) : You already proved your strength. To hurt  
him any further would be a mere act of inhumane cruelty.  
  
(Hilda gives P.A an icy glare and snarls through clenched teeth.)  
  
Pepper Ann (nervously) : I mean, you looking so nice in that  
pretty skirt. It would be a real shame if blood, .da, uh, dirt would  
get on it. Is that blouse from Club Monaco?  
  
Hilda : Oh, Shut up!  
  
(Hilda releases the bat and grabs P.A's arm and pins it to her back.  
The bat rolls away.)  
  
Hilda (fiercely): I don't remember asking you to interfere with my business,  
little girl!  
  
(Shelf finally gets to his feet, he limps off as he is given time to get away)  
  
Hilda (to Shelf) : You get back here right now!   
  
Pepper Ann (flinching) : My arm.  
  
Hilda (raging) : That slug crawled away because of you!  
  
(She applies more pressure to P.A's arm.)  
  
Pepper Ann (yelling fearfully) : Let go!  
  
(Unpredictably, P.A uses her other arm and elbows Hilda in her side.  
Hilda gasps and releases P.A. From her stunned face; it was obvious  
she didn't expect P.A to fight back.)  
  
Nicky (silently scared) : Pepper Ann…  
  
(An uneasy silence fills the field as P.A and Hilda exchange blank  
stares. The late bell rings. P.A suddenly bursts into nervous  
laughter and runs off, grabbing Nicky's arm on the way  
inside the school.)  
  
Pepper Ann (promptly) : Gotta go!  
  
Hilda (Yelling at P.A) : Who are you?!  
  
(New Scene: It's noon hour. P.A and Nicky are walking down the halls.   
People stare and smile at her.)  
  
Constance : That was really brave of you Pepper Ann.  
  
Some girl : Really cool!  
  
Cissy : I guess you're kinda, like, a hero in a way.  
  
Pepper Ann : Nicky, I still don't get why no one else did something  
to stop that. I don't feel like a hero at all, I just did it cause I   
knew something had to be done. I mean, Shelf was really hurt  
  
Nicky : It's helplessness Pepper Ann, you just automatically feel  
like there is nothing in the world you can do. You are very lucky  
that you have such a strong conscience.  
  
Voice : Hey Pearson...  
  
(The girls turn their heads. It's Craig leaning on a locker with some  
of his friends.)  
  
Craig (giving a thumbs-up): Nice courage.  
  
(P.A gives a little smile in return, the girls continue walking.)  
  
Nicky : I'm curious as to where this girl came from, how did  
people now who she was? I've never heard of her before.  
  
Pepper Ann : Neither have I, but, maybe her experience of my zero  
tolerance to cruel violence has stopped her unnecessary beatings.  
She may become a new...  
  
(They hear a muffled voice from a locker.)  
  
Voice : Nicky...P.A? You guys out there?  
  
Nicky : Milo?  
  
(They pull open the locker and find Milo slightly thrashed up.)  
  
Pepper Ann : Milo! What happened? Are you okay?  
  
Milo (a bit dazed) : I don't know if my mouth is full of blood or pennies.  
  
Pepper Ann : Who did this to you?  
  
Milo : I accidentally knocked into this preppy looking girl and then she  
punched me in the face and stuffed me in this locker. Fuzzy, I didn't know  
we had a silverfish problem. (He flicks a gross silverfish off his shoulder.)  
  
Pepper Ann : So much for being optimistic.  
  
Milo : I don't understand why we have another bully problem,  
first Shelf, then Effie, it sounds more like bad writing then  
reality.  
  
Nicky : Bad luck does come in threes, once this is over we  
probably won't be troubled by this again. Hopefully.  
  
Pepper Ann : I think it's time that we find out more about  
this Hildegard Manon.  
  
(New Scene: P.A, Milo and Nicky are in the school newspaper  
room with Tessa and Vanessa. They are playing a slide show  
to the trio as they tell them of Hilda. As always, they finish  
each other's sentences courtesy of their sisterly love.)  
  
Tessa : This is the fearsome student-  
  
Vanessa : Hildegard Manon herself.  
  
(The slide shows a very angry looking Hilda)  
  
Tessa : She has been transferred to our school-  
  
Vanessa : Because of her needed excellence to the-  
  
Tessa : Otter's swim team.  
  
(They show a slide of Hilda doing some fierce swimming)  
  
Vanessa : She's also a-  
  
Tessa : Tough fighter-  
  
Vanessa : Pick-pocket-  
  
Tessa : And all around-  
  
Vanessa : Bad ass.  
  
(They show a slide of Hilda walking away from a mountain of  
beaten up guys. The trio exchange surprised looks.)  
  
Tessa : As unhelpful as-  
  
Vanessa : It sounds, there won't be a lot-  
  
Tessa : The school can do, unless-  
  
Vanessa : The abuse is-  
  
Tessa : Regularly reported.  
  
(P.A, Nicky and Milo leave the newspaper room)  
  
Pepper Ann : Sounds simple, but I doubt the people getting beaten up  
would report anything.  
  
Nicky : Especially the boys; no offense Milo.  
  
Milo : None taken. What we have here is what we guys like to call:  
"Vicious Harpy-Lady".  
  
(We fade to see a huge bird of prey perched near an office desk.)  
  
Harpy (In Hilda's voice) : I know I'm forgetting something, I got  
pencils, pens, Nutella...  
  
(She looks down at her list :  
  
- pens  
- pencils  
- rubber bands  
- Nutella  
- light bulbs  
- BEAT EVERY LAST DAMN GUY THAT BREATHES )  
  
Harpy (reading the last one) : Oh, yeah, that's right.  
  
(The Harpy then spreads her wings and releases a fierce raptor cry.)  
  
Harpy : More coffee here Kara! (She reaches her wing to pick up her  
mug, but alas; birds have no fingers and she spills the coffee all over  
her desk) Aw, damn wings!  
  
(We return to reality)  
  
Pepper Ann : Yeah, I say that basically sums it up quite nicely.  
  
(New Scene: School has just finished. Hilda is walking through the school  
field. She stops and looks around.)  
  
Hilda (softly) : I can't find that weird girl, I wonder if I'll even be able  
to find her again.  
  
(She remembers how P.A elbowed her.)  
  
Hilda : Never have I met someone, not even a guy, to oppose me that way.  
  
(She then notices two guys picking on another guy, the bullies push him in  
a "mini-alley" between the gym and school buildings. Hilda glares and  
walks toward them.)  
  
Bully dude 1 : Heh, you sure got the cash you little turd.  
  
Bully dude 2 : Don't worry we're still going to beat the tar out of you.  
  
Voice : Ahem...  
  
(The two guys turn around to see Hilda blocking the alley path, leaning  
on one arm and smiling sweetly.)  
  
Hilda (all nice) : Hello! Hand over the money, and I won't have to  
beat the living hell out of you.  
  
(Not far away, P.A and Milo are walking toward the confrontation.)  
  
Pepper Ann : If Brian Littrel and a bobcat had a baby what do  
you think they would name it?  
  
Milo : I don't know. Would it write popular new-age music or eat mice?  
  
Pepper Ann : Both.  
  
Milo (after thinking for a second) : Jimmy.  
  
(A loud punch is heard as P.A and Milo hear one of the bullies  
fly out from the alley they just passed.)  
  
Pepper Ann (extremely startled) : Oh Fuzzy!  
  
(P.A and Milo peek into the alley, the other bully is sprawled on the  
ground. Hilda is with the boy that was about to be pummelled.)  
  
Boy (amazed) : Hey, thanks! I could have...  
  
(Hilda stuffs the kid's money into his mouth and pockets one of the  
bills she takes from him.)  
  
Hilda (nasty) : Ten will be fine. Now get the hell out of my face before  
I take the rest!  
  
(The boy obediently runs away, yelling in muffled screams.)  
  
(Pepper Ann frowns and steps into the alley.)  
  
Pepper Ann : It's you again!  
  
(Hilda gives a smile; happy to find the girl that interfered with her  
past beating.)  
  
Hilda (sneering) : Well, lucky me.  
  
Pepper Ann (challenging): Are you still picking fights with boys?  
  
Hilda (threateningly) : I think its time for your habit of sticking  
your nose into other people's affairs to take a trip to a cemetery!  
  
Familiar Voice : Aha! Thought you could lurk away from our  
punishment, ya?  
  
(The three look to see a very aggravated Dieter.)  
  
Hilda : Wha?  
  
Dieter (to P.A) : I'm very tired of you leaving me with the mess to clean!   
Your going to share the clean up duties this time! Du wir es tun!  
  
(Milo looks at Hilda, who's face suddenly turns misty and tense.)  
  
Pepper Ann : Aw, Fuzzy.  
  
Dieter (to Milo and Hilda) : She will be doing no joyriding with you today.   
Once she accomplishes some responsibility, she can then go back to her   
mischievous girl ways.  
  
(Dieter takes P.A's arm and walks her away.)  
  
Milo : Hmm?  
  
(Milo notices Hilda is flushing lightly with her eyes to the ground.)  
  
Milo : Are you okay?  
  
(Hilda snaps to existence, she then runs off.)  
  
Milo (curious) : So, the plot thickens.  
  
(New Scene : It's the next day at school. Milo and Nicky are outside  
during break.)  
  
Nicky : So she just took off?  
  
Milo : She could have easily given me a second beating, it was like  
she became a different person.  
  
Nicky : Thank Fuzzy you and Pepper Ann didn't get hurt.  
  
Milo : We owe Dieter our lives. Its obvious Hilda likes him.  
  
Nicky : Milo, don't be mean.  
  
Milo : I mean it! I know the face I saw, it was a girl in love. Hey, you know  
me, I'm with girls all the time.  
  
Nicky : Maybe. I don't know. It could have been feminine problems.  
  
Milo (sickened) : Ew, Nicky!  
  
(New Scene: We are in the peer counsellor room. Trinket is filing her  
nails and not caring as usual. We see that Hilda is the person she   
is "counselling".)  
  
Trinket : Look, say something and I may write it down in the book.  
I just want my credit for the day so I can avoid this joke of a volunteer  
program.  
  
Hilda (after deliberating) : Tell me something, have you ever found yourself  
longing for someone you haven't even met? Like a stranger you just passed on   
the street or something?  
  
Trinket : Duh! It's called a crush! It's obvious you have the hots for somebody.  
I hope you have some ethical taste though. Rick Anders adores short haired  
girls, oh ,and Wayne Mcabe is a sucker for the athletes so there's two. If  
you get some mascara...  
  
(Hilda's fists clench dangerously hearing Trinket's conclusion. Her eyes  
darken menacingly; she then raises from her seat and faces Trinket nose to nose  
in a vicious stare.)  
  
Hilda (murderous) : You think I could be slowed down by something as  
incredibly stupid as a school girl crush?! Is this some conspiracy to shit all   
over me or something?! Is that red-haired girl behind this?! Tell me if  
she is or I'll sock your tits!  
  
(Trinket is petrified with terror at Hilda's intimidating and vulgar jargon.)  
  
Trinket : I..I think you need to calm...calm down.  
  
Hilda (jeering) : What? You think I have a problem and you  
actually want to help?  
  
Trinket : W..Well I think people who threaten to punch a girl's  
chest with n..no reason has a bit of a...a problem.  
  
(Hilda grabs Trinket's shirt.)  
  
Hilda (more ferocious) : Alright, how about I punch your face then?  
  
(Cut to the peer counsellor door, Trinket runs out screaming for her life.  
Hilda stomps out of the room in the opposite direction.)  
  
Hilda (all nasty) : That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!  
Who has time for such an unprofitable emotion?  
  
Pepper Ann's voice : What's this stuff supposed to be anyway?  
  
(Hilda peeks inside the Home-Ec room. P.A is poking a gray mass,  
sitting on a plate, with a fork.)  
  
Cissy : It's a bit chewy but not bad.  
  
Milo : I think I saw something like this on that TLC operation show.  
  
Cissy : It reminds me of a land based bifid creature.  
  
(They stare at Cissy with "Was that intelligent?" faces.)  
  
Cissy : I mean, I wonder if Dawson would, like, eat it.  
  
(Pepper Ann finally eats some of the stuff)  
  
Milo : So?  
  
Pepper Ann (making a see-saw motion with her hand) : Could use   
something extra.  
  
Milo (eating some) : It reminds me of bacon sort of.  
  
Pepper Ann (calling) : Hey Dieter!  
  
(Dieter walks toward them, holding another plate of the grey stuff.)  
  
Pepper Ann : I have a growth on my brain that causes memory  
lapses. What did our group just make?  
  
Dieter : It's sweetbreads.  
  
Pepper Ann : And that's...?  
  
Dieter : Pancreas.  
  
Milo (turning pale) : A..a..as in the gland that...that functions in  
digestion and metabolism?  
  
Cissy (disgusted) : That secretes a thick, colourless fluid  
containing....  
  
Pepper Ann (retching) Oh shut up!  
  
(All three spit their food into the garbage. Dieter shakes his head  
indignantly.)  
  
Dieter : You Americans are such Feilings. (He eats the rest of the   
unloved pancreas.)  
  
(Hilda smiles at Dieter's composure before running off, it's clear  
she is disgusted with herself.)  
  
Hilda (seething) : I can't stand this. I hate it!  
  
(New Scene : Pepper Ann is scrubbing away the science tables after  
school. Dieter walks in with a bucket of hot water.)  
  
Pepper Ann (spitefully) : Well, well, if it isn't Herr Come and Go  
As He Damn Well Pleases!  
  
Dieter (angrily) : I was getting the water you soulless Weibchen!  
  
Pepper Ann : I have every right to be mad at you! You didn't  
have to blow up like some mental patient. It was only Hang Man.  
  
Dieter : Your abstract nature is plenty of an excuse for anyone  
to go temporarily insane.  
  
Pepper Ann : Oh sure. Hey, hand me another cloth., someone  
poured glue all over this one.  
  
Dieter : I'll get another set.  
  
Pepper Ann (seeing this as an opportunity to escape) : I'll be waitin'.  
  
Dieter : If you run away you know I'll just drag you here again!  
  
Pepper Ann (disappointed) : Just get the cloths.  
  
(As Dieter is heading toward the supply room, Hilda is heading  
toward his direction. It's clear she is heading to swim practice she's  
carrying a gym bag and a towel. She notices Dieter walking toward her.)  
  
Hilda (gasps) : It's him.. (she stops walking)  
  
(Dieter stops as well, confused on why this girl has stopped in the  
middle of his path.)  
  
Dieter : Is there something wrong?  
  
Hilda (flushing) : Um, I...didn't..  
  
(She starts to walk but she slips on her towel, caught under her feet.  
Before suffering from a nasty fall Dieter catches her arm and prevents  
the descend.)  
  
Hilda (in angry thought) : What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm acting  
so stupid; as if I'm-  
  
Dieter : It's okay. I got you.  
  
(Hilda suddenly pushes Dieter away angrily and pulls her fist back,  
she executes a powerful punch to his face and sends him flying halfway  
across the hallway.)  
  
Dieter : Oofafah!!!  
  
Hilda (regretful) : Oh no! I didn't mean to... (Raging) God damn it!  
  
(She then runs away, leaving poor unconscious Dieter on the floor.)  
  
(New Scene: It's a new school day. Hilda is sitting at a table  
stabbing her food with a fork as she fumes.)  
  
Hilda (snarling to herself) : How could I fall in love with a guy so fresh?  
  
(She notices P.A, Nicky and Milo talking at a table from a distance.  
She stares at Pepper Ann fiercely.)  
  
Hilda (muttering) :That stupid girl. It's all her fault, if she hadn't...  
  
(Hilda then notices Dieter looking around, as if hoping no one will see   
him. He then leaves the lunchroom quickly.)  
  
Hilda (feeling guilty) : Maybe I should apologise for punching his  
lights out.  
  
(Hilda leaves to look for Dieter. She scans the hallways for him  
but has no luck in finding him until she notices the science room door  
open a crack. She peers in and sees Dieter covering the desks with  
marker and pen.)  
  
Hilda (confused thought) : What is he doing?  
  
(Dieter then starts emptying some glue on each desk. He looks up  
to see Hilda staring in. He eeps.)  
  
Hilda (not noticing she has bee seen) : What the...?  
  
(Unexpectedly, she is dragged into the room. Dieter closes the door  
completely.)  
  
Hilda (indignantly) : What kind of weirdo are you anyway?  
  
(Dieter only stares at her in silence for multiple seconds. He then  
collapses to his knees in a beseeching bow.)  
  
Dieter (desperate) : Oh please! Don't tell anyone I'm doing this!  
They wouldn't understand!   
  
Hilda (confused, but still irked) : I don't see any reason why I shouldn't tell.  
People have a right to know what you dangerous, weird people do for fun.  
  
(Dieter grabs Hilda's shirt in panicking desperation.)  
  
Dieter (frantic) : Listen to me! If Pepper Ann finds out she will take it  
as the wrong message and she may not want to be my friend anymore!   
I'm only doing this because I really like spending time with her!  
  
(Dieter's face pales as he realises what he said out loud, and also  
the fact that he's holding a girl that could murder him in a millisecond.  
He returns to his pathetic bow.)  
  
Dieter : Oh please!!!  
  
(This odd drivel befuddles Hilda, but she waves her hand forgivingly.)  
  
Hilda : Oh alright, I won't tell anyone.  
  
Dieter (happily relieved) : Do you mean it?!  
  
Hilda : Yes, but you'll have to give me something in return.  
  
(We then cut to Hazelnut's movie theatre, I Know Why You Murdered Those  
Teenagers In That Meat Factory Last Spring 2 is the feature show. Hilda is  
happily watching the movie with a nervous Dieter.)  
  
Girl in movie : Come on Skyler, lets make out on the killing floor.  
  
Guy in movie : Hey what's that?  
  
(Chainsaw and gore noises are heard as the couple is obviously demised  
by an unknown maniac.)  
  
Hilda (giggling) : Cool!  
  
(Dieter gives a worried look at Hilda's enthusiasm to the violence.)  
  
Dieter (to the ceiling) : Oh why am I hated?  
  
(We then cut to a shooting gallery. Hilda fires multiple shots at the human paper  
target. Dieter flinches ever time she pulls the trigger. What's left of the  
paper target is brought to Hilda for review.)  
  
Hilda : Yay! Look, I got a perfect! Now you try Dieter!  
  
(Dieter touches his chest in terror as he sees the multiple holes  
riddled through the chart. He whimpers.)  
  
(We cut to a virtual-reality game room with a car game called Incapacitated   
Driver Racing. Hilda and Dieter are playing the game, wearing V.R visors   
over their eyes. Hilda is driving, laughing with amusement, while Dieter is   
screaming in terror as Hilda plows through other cars and mailboxes in   
"Giga Drunk mode".  
  
(After that fiasco we see Dieter leave a men's bathroom, he collapses  
onto a bench. He is very pale.)  
  
Dieter (in a hallucinating daze) : Whatever I have done to deserve such   
awful treatment. I apologise for my actions...  
  
(Hilda then appears with two ice cream cones.)  
  
Hilda : Here. (she offers Dieter a cone.)  
  
Dieter : Huh?  
  
Hilda (kindly) : If you eat something cold you should feel a lot better.  
  
Dieter (surprised to see her acting so humane.) : Uh, Thank you.  
  
(We suddenly change scenes to some of Dieter's nerd friends  
approaching P.A, Milo and Nicky at the music store in the mall.)  
  
Nerd Friend : Hey, have you guys seen Dieter? We wanna know if  
he's up to going to the abandoned observatory with us.  
  
Milo : Nope, have you tried the meat shop? He likes going there  
lately.  
  
(We return to Dieter and Hilda who are at a karaoke lounge. Dieter is  
singing the one-hit wonder Girl Like You by Edwin Collins.)  
  
Dieter (singin') : Too many protest singers  
Not enough protest songs  
And now you've come along  
Yes you've come along  
And I've never met a girl like you before  
  
(Hilda claps and laughs happily at Dieter's performance. Dieter is  
exhausted and he sits down at their booth.)  
  
Hilda (laughing) : That was great!   
  
Dieter (tiredly) : It's your turn now.  
  
Hilda (shaking her head with embarrassment and laughter) : No way!  
Do another one!  
  
Dieter (just drained) : But I already sang eight songs in a row. I think   
I've lost my voice.  
  
Hilda (disappointed) : Oh, (she then smiles) would you like the rest of my drink?  
It should help a bit. (she offers her glass)  
  
Dieter (sighs): Thanks.  
  
(He drains the drink; without warning, he makes a nauseated face and spits   
the drink behind their booth. Unaware of another couple sitting behind it.)  
  
Guy (revolted) : Oh, hey that's sick!  
  
Dieter (coughing a bit) : Oh widerlich! There was aspartame in that drink!  
  
(Hilda bursts into hysterical laughter at Dieter's endearing behaviour. It's obvious  
that she's having a blast.)   
  
(We finally see the two in front of a bungalow at the end of their rendezvous.)  
  
Hilda : Well, this is my place.  
  
Dieter (glad that its finally over) : Oh, um, well goodnight.  
  
(He's about to leave but Hilda stops him with a harsh stare. Her face then softens.)  
  
Hilda : I really had a nice time Dieter.  
  
Dieter (manages a smile) : I'm glad you did.  
  
(They exchange absent stares as the silence lingers. In an abrupt move, Hilda  
roughly ruffles Dieter's hair. )  
  
Hilda (serenely) : I like you a lot Dieter.  
  
(She then bolts to her house. Dieter has a bewildered look on his face.)  
  
(New Scene: Next day at school. Dieter is walking down the hallways; not  
seeming to notice that people begin to talk behind his back as he walks away.  
We see P.A pass Dieter and walk toward Milo and Nicky in a bit of a huff.)  
  
Pepper Ann : That big liar Alice Kane is so dumb, she's all "Dieter and  
that weird girl, Hildegard Manon, went on a date on Firday." And you know   
she probably made it up while she was in the bathroom.  
  
Nicky : Actually Pepper Ann, it has been confirmed by multiple reliable  
Sources; including some paparazzi shots Cissy took. (She shows a picture of  
Hilda and Dieter at the shooting gallery. Hilda smiling and Dieter in a  
frightened wreck.)  
  
Pepper Ann : Oh. (she pauses) It's probably a crime to set people on fire.  
  
Milo (looking around) : Do I hear sirens?  
  
(Nicky's eyes widen in horrified surprise.)  
  
(New Scene: It's noon hour and the three buddies are eating at their table.)  
  
Pepper Ann : I don't understand how this happened, has this place gone  
nuts or am I just going sane in a crazy world?  
  
Nicky : I find the concept of a bully and an underdog in a relationship to be  
quite touching. If you've noticed, Hilda hasn't beaten up anyone since  
she's been hanging out with Dieter. She's finally using that energy in neutral  
ways instead of pounding the existence out of people.  
  
Milo : And after Hilda threatened to set her braids on fire, that cute Gwen   
Mezzrow is actually providing me with some lavishing attention.  
  
Nicky : I never heard anything about Hilda threatening anybody.  
  
Milo : Some things have to be said to achieve one's goals. (he gives  
a mischievous wink)  
  
Pepper Ann : Doesn't anyone realise that this combination means  
trouble? Dieter can't handle an ass kicker like Hilda!   
  
Milo : Come on P.A, it can't be that bad.  
  
Pepper Ann : I'm just saying he should really be careful. If Hilda starts  
to get abusive who's going to help the little butterball? She's already  
hit him once. (indifferent) I don't know where that guy's brain is. He's   
going to get slaughtered, I just know it. I hope they find enough considerate  
suckers for his funeral. I know I won't be one of them.  
  
(New Scene : We see Hilda, wearing her gym uniform, cheerfully walking   
down the hall with a gift wrapped box.)  
  
Hilda (deliberating) : Oh, what if he thinks its dumb...but what if he likes it?  
  
(She walks out onto the field, the other gym students are sitting on the  
grass waiting for Doogan. Hilda notices Milo sitting by Dieter, who  
is lying on his back with the back of his hand resting on his forehead.   
Hilda glares at Milo a bit.)  
  
Hilda (shaking her head) : Oh, what am I getting so critical about? They're  
only talking. Although, (she thinks for a bit) there's no way that I'm getting a   
partner that sucks.   
  
(She glares at the other people approaching her; they cower away. She walks  
closer to Milo and Dieter, in unnoticeable ear shot distance, and waits politely.)  
  
Milo : Are you feeling alright Dieter? You don't look well.  
  
Dieter (all doleful) : I'm an absolute wreck. Every girl I see looks like Hilda to me.  
  
Milo (surprised) : Oh?  
  
Dieter : I can't help it, I was so traumatised. I'm suffering from post traumatic  
stress disorder that was brought on by physical abuse and a night of incredibly  
intense horror.  
  
Milo (sympathetic) : I didn't know you felt that way. You really don't like her do you?  
  
Dieter : Well, no. She isn't that bad, she's just, I don't think I could ever  
go out with her on another one of her frightening Verabredungs. And   
(he hesitates) my heart already belongs to another.  
  
Milo (dispirited) : Oh ?. You obviously mean Gwen Mezzrow.  
  
Dieter : Are you Schwimmen in der Wahnsinn Lache? She's more annoying  
than an Ausländerin at the Love Parade.  
  
Milo (all relieved) : Yes! Uh, I mean, true dat. Pardon my prying, but who is  
the abductor of your tortured heart?  
  
Coach Doogan (blows a whistle) : Alright guys and gals lets start with ten laps  
before we play our rugby game.  
  
(As we see the students beginning their laps we notice Hilda running fiercely,  
already finishing most of the laps in speedy hate. Her face shows sombre   
dejection.)  
  
Hilda (nastily) :That's it, he's gone. He's monkey meat.  
  
(We see the wrapped gift crushed in a wastebasket.)  
  
(New Scene : P.A and Milo are playing Crunch-Pod. Nicky is reviewing  
some homework by their machine.)  
  
Pepper Ann (in playful malice) : Crunch this toilet breath.  
  
Milo (ditto) : Eat Pod Madam Suck So Much.  
  
(Pink Eye Pete and some of Dieter's nerd friends approach them.  
They are obviously very worried.)  
  
Nerd Friend 1 : Have you guys seen Dieter?  
  
Nicky : Not since classes.  
  
Pink Eye Pete (troubled) : We asked him to meet us for ice cream but he  
never showed up.  
  
Milo and Nicky (in simultaneous disbelief) : No way!  
  
Nerd Friend 2 : We really think something horrible has happened.  
  
(Alice Kane passes by them, her clothes noticeably singed.)  
  
Alice Kane (casually) : Hildegard Manon was saying something about  
microwaving Dieter's kidneys after school during final period.  
  
(Everyone exchanges terrified looks even P.A looks apprehensive.)  
  
(We then cut to Dieter falling on his back, he and Hilda are near  
the outdoor pools by the school.)  
  
Dieter (getting up) : If you wanted to see me Hilda, you should have  
just asked me instead of dragging me here. (He walks toward her)  
I would have been happy to see you.  
  
(Hilda gives a malicious stare and performs a lightening fast punch to  
Dieter's face. Causing him to fall again.)  
  
Dieter : Oofafah!!!  
  
(We return to outside Braindead. Pepper Ann is blading as fast as she can  
toward the school.)  
  
Nicky (calling out) : Pepper Ann! What are you going to do?!  
  
Pepper Ann (to herself) : I didn't mean what I said about you getting  
slaughtered. Hang on Dieter, I'll try to get you out of this.  
  
(We head back to the school pools. Dieter is sitting on the ground wiping a bit  
of blood from his nose.)  
  
Dieter (straightening his glasses) : Stop! It's wrong to beat up on me like this.  
  
Hilda (raging) : What the hell do you know?! (She grabs Dieter's shirt   
and lifts him from the ground) Ready for another one Dieter?!  
  
Dieter (all frightful) : But I thought you said you really liked me!  
  
Hilda (voice cracking) : Yes! I like you a lot! And the thought of that   
makes me want to punch your face in!   
  
(Dieter cowers and braces for another blow. Before Hilda executes   
another attack she gasps as she sees a bike helmet flying toward  
her. The helmet strikes Dieter at the side of his head, making him  
fall for the third time.)  
  
Dieter (sadly) : Oh, Scheiß...  
  
Pepper Ann (apologetic) : Oops! Sorry about that Dieter, you know   
I wasn't aiming for you right? (She skates towards them.)  
  
Hilda (turning to P.A) : So, little red-haired girl, we meet again.  
  
(P.A glares at Hilda defiantly.)  
  
Pepper Ann (confronting) : Stay away from my friend Hildegard Manon!   
No matter how hard you beat him he will not give in to you. (She looks  
to Dieter) Right Dieter?  
  
Dieter (semi-dazed) : Um, right.  
  
Hilda (all nasty) : This isn't about that love crap anymore! It's about him  
getting beaten up for being the unbelievable loser he is!  
  
(P.A clenches her teeth ominously at the sound of this.)  
  
Hilda (savagely) : And if you get in my way I'll take you on first!  
  
(P.A then goes into a fighting stance. She skates toward Hilda at dangerous speed.)  
  
Pepper Ann : You're not so tough!   
  
(She swings at Hilda, but Hilda dodges and grabs P.A's arm, twisting it  
painfully. In a burst of frightened adrenaline P.A begins to skate, with  
Hilda still holding on, and throws Hilda forcefully onto the concrete.  
Hilda counterattacks with a strong kick to P.A's shins. Dieter gets  
up and tries to stop the battle, coming in between Hilda and P.A.)  
  
Dieter (frightened) : Stop it both of you!  
  
Hilda : Get the hell out of my way! (she backhands Dieter heavily, sending  
him tumbling to the ground. As he gets to his knees, we see a huge bruise on  
his face.)  
  
Pepper Ann (gasps) : Dieter! (she glares at Hilda) Why are you doing this?  
  
Hilda : He's a pathetically freakish piece of Euro-trash who deserves everything  
he gets.  
  
Pepper Ann (somewhat mockingly) : And you still fell for him?  
  
Hilda : That was the biggest mistake of my life! He's a worthless sack of puke!  
  
Pepper Ann (protective) : You can't just stand there and insult him like that!  
  
(P.A lunges at Hilda, landing a punch to Hilda's face. Hilda snarls and blocks  
the multiple blows P.A tries to catch her with.)  
  
Hilda (questioning fiercely) : What's this guy worth to you anyway? Why are  
you defending such a poor excuse of a human being?  
  
Pepper Ann : He may be weird and gullible and do embarrassing stunts like eat  
a bag of icing sugar at the movies or take his shirt off at soccer games but let me tell   
you something; he's probably the most amicable person I know. I don't think there  
is anyone in my class that doesn't like him. He's generous, he's smart and we  
don't go through one day without being amused by his European antics. He's  
everyone's friend and we love him because he's Dieter.  
  
(Dieter looks very surprised at this.)  
  
Hilda : Save your garbage for Family Circle!  
  
(Hilda punches P.A in the stomach. P.A hugs her gut in agony.)  
  
Hilda : I have to say I'm disappointed, you talk tough but you fight like a half-wit!  
  
(Hilda shoulders P.A and with both hands clasped into a double fist she clubs  
P.A's back. P.A winces in terrible pain. Hilda finishes it off with an aerial  
roundhouse kick to P.A's side. The force sends P.A toward one of the pools,  
landing about three metres away from it.)  
  
Dieter (gasps) : NO! PEPPER ANN!  
  
(Dieter runs toward P.A with frightened concern.)  
  
Dieter (scared) : Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann! Oh, you are hurt!  
  
(Hilda flashes back to Dieter talking in the science room  
and during gym:  
  
Dieter (frantic) : Listen to me! If Pepper Ann finds out she will take it  
as the wrong message and she may not want to be my friend anymore!   
I'm only doing this because I really like spending time with her!  
  
Dieter : ...My heart already belongs to another. )  
  
Hilda (royally pissed off) : It's her! So this is Pepper Ann; the one he likes so much!  
  
(She storms toward Dieter and Pepper Ann, who is gritting her teeth in anguish as  
she attempts to get up.)  
  
Dieter (frantic worry) : Pepper Ann, I can take you to my mother; she'll help you!  
  
Hilda (coldly) : I'm not done.  
  
Dieter (desperate): But she is hurt! She cannot move anymore!  
  
Hilda : I want to destroy that face! I hate her and I hate you!  
  
Dieter (angrily) : Hilda!  
  
(Hilda looks surprised.)  
  
Dieter (upright) : I do like you Hilda.  
  
Hilda (voice cracking sadly) : Liar! Why do you say that?  
  
Dieter (honest) : Because it's true! I worry about you.  
  
Hilda (her eyes get misty) : What..?  
  
Dieter : I would still like to be your friend, but please, I want you to stop   
hurting Pepper Ann. (He begins to help P.A up.)  
  
(Hilda's anger rises again as she sees Dieter help P.A, her fist trembles. She   
roars as she swings another punch aimed for P.A. In a totally unexpected move,  
Dieter catches Hilda's fist and tosses her over toward the pool.)  
  
Dieter (super-scared) : I said stop it!  
  
(Hilda screams as she splashes into the pool headfirst.)  
  
Dieter (surprised of what he did) : Oh no! I'm sorry!  
  
(P.A groans a bit as she turns her head to the pool.)  
  
Pepper Ann (in good humour) : That was unexpected. (She winces again.)  
  
Dieter (all worried again) : Pepper Ann, we have to get some help for you.  
  
(Hilda resurfaces from the water, coughing weakly.)  
  
Dieter : Here, come out of there... (he offers a hand to help her)  
  
Hilda (slapping it away and practically screaming) : Get away from me!  
  
(Dieter looks shocked at her vicious disdain.)  
  
Hilda : Just leave me alone! When I come back up you had better be gone,   
unless you want me to beat you to death!  
  
(She takes a breath and plunges underwater, P.A and Dieter peer over the pool  
to see Hilda stubbornly sitting at the bottom of the pool. Dieter sighs.)  
  
Dieter : I will take you home Pepper Ann, mother will see how she can help you.  
  
(Dieter offers his shoulder to P.A. Her blades help her glide rather than having to walk.)  
  
Pepper Ann (weakly) : Okay.  
  
(As they leave, Hilda finally resurfaces. She watches them exit. She looks very  
pathetic as she sadly mopes in the pool, sniffing occasionally.)  
  
(New Scene : Three Days Later. We see P.A leave her house; she is on a single  
crutch, an injured foot suspended in the air, and both of her arms are wrapped   
in bandages up to her elbows. Nicky and Milo approach.)  
  
Nicky (concerned) : Are you sure you want to go out Pepper Ann?  
  
Pepper Ann (amazed) : And miss The Death and Return of Fuzzy? I think not!  
  
(She seems to manage well with her condition as she keeps up with her friends.)  
  
Pepper Ann : I'm not going to let some painful injuries disrupt my normal life.  
Oh, you guys should see the bruise on my back! It's identical to the shape  
of Africa and its changed colour again!  
  
Milo : Um, maybe another time.  
  
(They make it to the movie theatre, other kids watch silently as P.A limps  
toward the line. We notice Dieter is in the line up as well, a bandage is   
covering most of his cheek.)  
  
Dieter : How are you recovering Pepper Ann?  
  
Pepper Ann : Pretty good. My mom feeds me ice cream and pity so its  
progressing faster. (She smiles.)   
  
(A girl passes the line carrying a load of books and gym equipment. P.A  
notices this.)  
  
Pepper Ann (inquiringly): Hilda?  
  
(The girl turns her head at the name. It is Hilda; a black eye has formed  
where P.A had struck her.)  
  
Dieter : Why do you have all your stuff from school?  
  
Hilda (coolly): Key West is offering some advanced swimming lessons where they  
have students swim to Cuba. (she snarls bitterly.) My stamina is a joke; it needs it.  
  
Nicky (baffled) : Cuba?  
  
Milo (whispering) : Unnecessary plot twist.  
  
Pepper Ann : I hope you are not doing this because of....  
  
Hilda : I'm tired of fighting for him.  
  
Pepper Ann : Aren't you going to miss him?  
  
Hilda : I want to forget I ever came to your damn school. (She shuts  
her eyes tiredly after glancing at Dieter.) Good-bye.  
  
(She stalks away.)  
  
Milo (poetically) : The bitterness of an enamoured bully is tragic yet angelic.  
(pauses) It's pretty pathetic to. Reminds me of an old episode from  
Friends or some other atrociously written show.  
  
Dieter (a bit sad) : I wish I could have done something more to help.  
  
Nicky (sympathetic) : Oh Dieter, you probably did all you could.   
  
Milo : If only she just talked about her feelings rather then  
use her fists like some angry harpy.  
  
Pepper Ann (uneasy) : I agree with you Milo. I just can't shake off this  
concern for her. I hope she finally mends.  
  
(We fade to the sky. A huge bird of prey soars swiftly over  
fields and forests emitting small raptor cries.)  
  
  
End  



End file.
